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As the summer draws to a close, our thoughts turn to the glories of autumn–the crisp air, the colorful leaves, and the end of summer Fridays. Truly the glory of autumn is the glory of labor. It is in this spirit that The Company is pleased to announce the first annual Mandatory Labor Day Picnic on Monday, September 6th from noon until dark. The meeting will, as always, be held in the Prospect Park conference and recreation facility.

The Board of Directors is particularly pleased to wave goodbye to the summer of 2010. While the quarter was quite profitable for our Costnerballs™ line, the summer was challenging for our Beyond Petroleum division, and saw the untimely closing of our flagship Deno’s Immigration Center and Bikini Bar™ franchise. However, let us assure you that management remains committed to these product lines. The Company will continue to lead the way in taking petroleum out of the pipe and into our environment and local communities, where it belongs. Moreover, we believe as strongly as ever that eastern European women deserve a place at America’s great table, and we will not rest until they are cleaning that table in bikinis, fully integrated into this nation’s grand tradition of forced labor. The Company has been embarrassed by our recent bad press, and we take publicizing our role as a force for good very seriously. We will lead. We will not go back!

So, let us return to our Prospect Park facility and wave goodbye to a wonderful summer and the successes of our Memorial Day picnic and Guac/Off. The Board of Directors has generously authorized the purchase of hotdog buns, fixins, and non-food items (cups, plates, trashbags, etc.) Employees are asked to supply chips, sodas, meats, or desert. While we will not hold a formal Guac/Off, employees are encouraged to continue to hone their craft in anticipation of the 2011 contest. We are also looking for employees willing to person the grill throughout the day. Those who do so will receive swift promotions within the organization, not to mention the great admiration of their hungry colleagues. Please alert management if you would like to pursue this opportunity.

We need not remind you that those who do not attend will be fired.

THIS IS A MANDATORY MEETING.

Directions: Take the F train to 7th Ave – exit at the front of the train on 8th ave. walk up the hill on 9th to Prospect Park. The Bandshell is right there on your right. we’ll be on the other side of the bandshell. if you get lost, make sure you’re on Prospect Park West.

IMPORTANT, PLEASE NOTE:
The Company has also generously arranged for an “after-party” this year, in conjunction with the birthday of Christopher Kelly. At approximately 8pm, all are welcome to join us at our rooftop garden bar on 230 Fifth Ave (at 28th Street) in Manhattan for drinks, dancing, and a preview of the drunken nightmare that will be our holiday party.

From: The Board of Directors
To: All Employees
Subject: The Company Picnic and Guac/Off – Monday, May 31st

While our executive committee has been forced to spend nearly all of its time before the kangaroo court that is the congressional permanent subcommittee on investigations, the Company continues to remain focused on its main asset, you, our employees. To demonstrate its continued support of your physical and mental well-being, The Company will once again host a mandatory picnic meeting on Monday, May 31st from noon until dark. The meeting will, as always, be held in the Prospect Park conference and recreation facility.

This meeting, will focus exclusively on the business of recreation. Our Memorial and Recreational products division is beginning to reap the rewards of its bold focus on innovating out of the recently concluded economic downturn. We will again be testing kickballs, frisbees, footballs, and footbags (“Hackey Sacks”). Please dress appropriately. We continue to look for leadership in the Four Square arena, and will liberally promote those willing to take charge.

We’d also like to note a major innovation in this years meeting agenda. Our Co-Heads of Avocado Innovations, Kate Spencer and Oscar Magallanes, will be hosting the First Annual Memorial Day Guac/Off. If you would like to participate in the contest, please bring Guacamole and be prepared to eat it. The best guacamole will win a promotion and a coveted “Most Delicious Guacamole” badge that you will be allowed to display for one year in any forum you may so choose.

The Board of Directors has generously authorized the purchase of hot dog, buns, fixins, and non-food items (cups, plates, trashbags, etc.) Employees are asked to supply chips, sodas, meats, or desert. That said, let us never forget the chip debacle of 2008, in which employee chip purchases single-handedly insulated the chip industry from the economic downturn.

We need not remind you that the few employees who failed to attend last year’s picnic were summarily fired.
THIS IS A MANDATORY MEETING.
Directions: Take the F train to 7th Ave – exit at the front of the train on 8th ave. walk up the hill on 9th to Prospect Park. The Bandshell is right there on your right. we’ll be on the other side of the bandshell. if you get lost, make sure you’re on Prospect Park West.

To: All Employees
Re: Halloweeve Pitcher Night – Saturday, October 24th

For centuries, The Company has celebrated pagan culture through its Arts!Alive! program. From the creation of Stonehenge, to sponsoring Saturday Night Live’s “Goth Talk”, to the career of writer-in-residence Dan Brown, the company has worked tirelessly to drive global pagan culture forward.

Every autumn, the company’s Arts!Alive! program has supported a particular pagan cause, and 2009 is no different. This year, the program looks forward to celebrating Halloweeve, this Saturday, October 24th.

To kick off this autumn’s program, The Company will host a Pitcher Night on Saturday, October 24th, one week in advance of Halloween. The event will be held at the Peter McManus Veteran’s Hall, starting at 9pm. Entertainment will be provided by a number of New York City improvisers. In keeping with the spirit of Arts!Alive!, ALL EMPLOYEES MUST ATTEND this gathering or YOU WILL BE FIRED. That said, those expressing particular enthusiasm for Halloweeve WILL BE REWARDED.

We look forward to your forced contribution to the success of this year’s program.

The Company Offsite - July 18th, 2009, 2pm

We look forward to seeing you at the offsite this year! Please comment on this post to let us know what you are bringing. In order to make things safe and enjoyable for everyone The Board of Directors has purchased all non food items that will be necessary (cups, plates, first aid kit, coolers, etc.). We will also be purchasing hotdogs and buns according to our estimated turnout. Those with special needs requests (vegetarian, kosher, pagan) should make their own arrangements.

Directions
There are three ways of reaching the island: Subway, Tram, and Car.
Subway: Take the F train to the Roosevelt Island stop.
Tram: The Tram Plaza is located at 59th St. and 2nd Avenue in Manhattan. The 4-minute ride costs $2.00 (you can use a Metro Card), and two cabins make the trip every 15 minutes.
Car: Directions can be found here: http://www.rioc.com/transportation.html

All players and observers should come directly to the soccer field in the middle of the island (see map, indicated in green). If coming from the tram or the subway, when facing manhattan, turn right and follow the left-most road “West Road.” The field is at the southern end of Ecological Park. The official meeting time is 2pm, but feel free to come early and scout out the area.

The Game
• The objective is to seize the opposing team’s flag from its base and bring it back to the mid point first.

• The flag will be set at pre-determined and pre-announced sites to encourage faster gameplay.

• Games will last one hour. The first team to score wins. If at the end of one hour, no team has scored, the team with the most prisoners wins. Games begin at 2:30, 4:00, and 5:30.

• Teams will likely be split according to the alphabet. You will not be picked last.

• Each player will receive a pennant corresponding to their team color. The pennant will serve as their capture indicator. Your pennant must be worn at all times during game play. It should be tucked into your waist band and at least 12 inches of the pennant must be visible.

• No more than 3 people can guard the flag, and they must remain at least 5 feet away from it at all times. This rule is subject to change.

• A player, when on the opposing team’s side, can be tagged and placed in a spot designated as “jail.” If numbers allow it, we may have multiple jails, including a secret “Abu Ghraib” jail that will allow torture, and documentation of said torture. A specific player will be charged with this task (the “Lyddie England”). This is a 2005 joke, but never forget.

• Players in an opposing team’s jail can be freed either by serving 10 minutes in jail, or by touching the hand of a member of their team (the “Liberator”) while still physically contained in the jail area. Multiple captives can be freed simultaneously if they are arranged in a human chain when one of them is tagged. Liberated players will be allowed to freely return to their side via the most direct and visible route, holding their hands above their heads. Once a freed player has returned to his or her side, he or she will be free to return to action. The Liberator however, can still be tagged and placed in jail.

• We may introduce mercenary rogue players known as “Hunters” (also known as “Gethards”) who will be able to jail people in a third “dead zone.”

*****Rules will, as always, be adjusted as necessary in the promotion of good times. If anybody asks, tell them you are with the Kaufman Reunion.*****

This meeting, like all others will feature an agenda heavily focused on business. With great foresight, our Memorial and Recreational products division has boldly focused on innovating out of the current economic downturn. Our meeting will focus on product testing on new options in kickballs, frisbees, footballs, and footbags (“Hackey Sacks”). Please dress appropriately. New activities are always welcome, particularly in the Four Square arena. Please be prepared.

The Board of Directors has generously authorized the purchase of hot dog, buns, fixins, and non-food items (cups, plates, trashbags, etc.) Employees are asked to supply chips, sodas, meats, or desert. That said, let us not forget the chip debacle of 2008, in which employee chip purchases single-handedly insulated the chip industry from the current economic downturn.