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From: The Board of Directors
To: All Employees
Subject: The Company Picnic and Guac/Off – Monday, May 30th

What a spring! The Company is very pleased with the marked success of our Weather Control division. In celebration of their efforts, and in continued support of your physical and mental well-being, The Company will once again host a mandatory picnic meeting on Monday, May 30th from noon until dark. The meeting will, as always, be held in the Prospect Park conference and recreation facility.

This meeting, will focus exclusively on the business of recreation. Growth in our Memorial and Recreational products division continues in this unprecedented economic expansion. We will again be testing kickballs, frisbees, footballs, and footbags (“Hackey Sacks”). Please dress appropriately. We continue to look for leadership in the Four Square arena, and will liberally promote those willing to take charge.

We officially mark the start of a new Memorial Day tradition, and we again welcome our Co-Heads of Avocado Innovations, Kate Spencer and Oscar Magallanes, in hosting the Second Annual Memorial Day Guac/Off. If you would like to participate in the contest, please bring Guacamole and be prepared to eat it. The best guacamole will win a promotion and a coveted “Most Delicious Guacamole” badge that you will be allowed to display for one year in any forum you may so choose.

The Board of Directors has generously authorized the purchase of hot dog, buns, fixins, and non-food items (cups, plates, trashbags, etc.) Employees are asked to supply chips, sodas, meats, or desert. That said, let us never forget the chip debacle of 2008, in which employee chip purchases single-handedly insulated the chip industry from the economic downturn.

We need not remind you that the few employees who failed to attend last year’s picnic were summarily fired.

Directions: Take the F train to 7th Ave – exit at the front of the train on 8th ave. walk up the hill on 9th to Prospect Park. The Bandshell is right there on your right. we’ll be on the other side of the bandshell. if you get lost, make sure you’re on Prospect Park West.

As the summer draws to a close, our thoughts turn to the glories of autumn–the crisp air, the colorful leaves, and the end of summer Fridays. Truly the glory of autumn is the glory of labor. It is in this spirit that The Company is pleased to announce the first annual Mandatory Labor Day Picnic on Monday, September 6th from noon until dark. The meeting will, as always, be held in the Prospect Park conference and recreation facility.

The Board of Directors is particularly pleased to wave goodbye to the summer of 2010. While the quarter was quite profitable for our Costnerballs™ line, the summer was challenging for our Beyond Petroleum division, and saw the untimely closing of our flagship Deno’s Immigration Center and Bikini Bar™ franchise. However, let us assure you that management remains committed to these product lines. The Company will continue to lead the way in taking petroleum out of the pipe and into our environment and local communities, where it belongs. Moreover, we believe as strongly as ever that eastern European women deserve a place at America’s great table, and we will not rest until they are cleaning that table in bikinis, fully integrated into this nation’s grand tradition of forced labor. The Company has been embarrassed by our recent bad press, and we take publicizing our role as a force for good very seriously. We will lead. We will not go back!

So, let us return to our Prospect Park facility and wave goodbye to a wonderful summer and the successes of our Memorial Day picnic and Guac/Off. The Board of Directors has generously authorized the purchase of hotdog buns, fixins, and non-food items (cups, plates, trashbags, etc.) Employees are asked to supply chips, sodas, meats, or desert. While we will not hold a formal Guac/Off, employees are encouraged to continue to hone their craft in anticipation of the 2011 contest. We are also looking for employees willing to person the grill throughout the day. Those who do so will receive swift promotions within the organization, not to mention the great admiration of their hungry colleagues. Please alert management if you would like to pursue this opportunity.

We need not remind you that those who do not attend will be fired.

THIS IS A MANDATORY MEETING.

Directions: Take the F train to 7th Ave – exit at the front of the train on 8th ave. walk up the hill on 9th to Prospect Park. The Bandshell is right there on your right. we’ll be on the other side of the bandshell. if you get lost, make sure you’re on Prospect Park West.

IMPORTANT, PLEASE NOTE:
The Company has also generously arranged for an “after-party” this year, in conjunction with the birthday of Christopher Kelly. At approximately 8pm, all are welcome to join us at our rooftop garden bar on 230 Fifth Ave (at 28th Street) in Manhattan for drinks, dancing, and a preview of the drunken nightmare that will be our holiday party.

From: The Board of Directors
To: All Employees
Subject: The Company Picnic and Guac/Off – Monday, May 31st

While our executive committee has been forced to spend nearly all of its time before the kangaroo court that is the congressional permanent subcommittee on investigations, the Company continues to remain focused on its main asset, you, our employees. To demonstrate its continued support of your physical and mental well-being, The Company will once again host a mandatory picnic meeting on Monday, May 31st from noon until dark. The meeting will, as always, be held in the Prospect Park conference and recreation facility.

This meeting, will focus exclusively on the business of recreation. Our Memorial and Recreational products division is beginning to reap the rewards of its bold focus on innovating out of the recently concluded economic downturn. We will again be testing kickballs, frisbees, footballs, and footbags (“Hackey Sacks”). Please dress appropriately. We continue to look for leadership in the Four Square arena, and will liberally promote those willing to take charge.

We’d also like to note a major innovation in this years meeting agenda. Our Co-Heads of Avocado Innovations, Kate Spencer and Oscar Magallanes, will be hosting the First Annual Memorial Day Guac/Off. If you would like to participate in the contest, please bring Guacamole and be prepared to eat it. The best guacamole will win a promotion and a coveted “Most Delicious Guacamole” badge that you will be allowed to display for one year in any forum you may so choose.

The Board of Directors has generously authorized the purchase of hot dog, buns, fixins, and non-food items (cups, plates, trashbags, etc.) Employees are asked to supply chips, sodas, meats, or desert. That said, let us never forget the chip debacle of 2008, in which employee chip purchases single-handedly insulated the chip industry from the economic downturn.

We need not remind you that the few employees who failed to attend last year’s picnic were summarily fired.
THIS IS A MANDATORY MEETING.
Directions: Take the F train to 7th Ave – exit at the front of the train on 8th ave. walk up the hill on 9th to Prospect Park. The Bandshell is right there on your right. we’ll be on the other side of the bandshell. if you get lost, make sure you’re on Prospect Park West.